Post by Uzumaki Naruto on Jul 27, 2007 22:04:02 GMT -5
On Crystal's story...
I corrected your spelling and grammar mistakes. Here is the revised version. Next, I will give comments...
Where am I? The sky above was full of threatening thunder clouds, waiting to let down their wrath. A man lay on the ground; clutching a wound he had received in a recent battle. What happened? All I can remember is a black figure . . . he tried desperately to roll onto his side, but the pain was too much. The wound he had received is located on his torso, a deep flesh wound that nearly cost him his life, but he was still alive; barely.
The sound of distant thunder echoed through the valley, followed by the soft pitter patter of rain drops on his cheeks. Great, it's starting to rain. The man had white, spiky hair. His eyes were the color of fire; the left eye had a velvet eye patch over it. This was meant to hide his scar, a scar he had received years before. Blazer's white clothes were now drenched in his own blood. I have to....get up! he tried again, this time managing to roll onto his back. The red pendent he wore around his neck was now visible; many people believe that it holds a mystic power, the power to grant eternal life.
Soft foot steps were approaching, who is it? Blazer thought to himself. The sound of water splashing underfoot indicated that they were now closer. "My, my, Blazer," the voice was gentle. Blazer looked up to see a tall man standing over him. "Look what you got yourself into this time," he chuckled slightly before kneeling to inspect is friend's wound.
From what Blazer could see, this man had a sort of gentle smile, which made his green eyes sparkle. His light brown hair seemed darker now that it was drenched with the rain. After seeing this man's face, Blazer recognized him as his old friend, Kelzan.
They had known each other, from the very first time they became Time Guardians.
Okay. My comments are:
When saying his appearance, such as his eye and hair color, you shouldn't just go out and say it randomly within the paragraph. You should say it in a more subtle way such as: 'Eyes, the color of fire gazed over the land...'. Just give the appearance within actions to make it flow easier...
Some of the things such as his pendant seem relevant... But they're just kind of thrown out there and not mentioned again. Likewise for his wound. It just seemed out of place. How did he get it? What about the scar his eyepatch is hiding? That is less of a problem, as it may be touched on later...
The introduction of the second character was a little abrupt. Where did he come from? Was he there during the battle that he got his wound? How did he find him?
Also, what are Time Guardians? That seems important. And it also seems rather random from the mood and setting you were just building up on. I want to know more about the time where he got his wound.
There. :3 As you add more, I'll continue commenting. It's good so far, and I'm interested. Keep writing!
I corrected your spelling and grammar mistakes. Here is the revised version. Next, I will give comments...
Where am I? The sky above was full of threatening thunder clouds, waiting to let down their wrath. A man lay on the ground; clutching a wound he had received in a recent battle. What happened? All I can remember is a black figure . . . he tried desperately to roll onto his side, but the pain was too much. The wound he had received is located on his torso, a deep flesh wound that nearly cost him his life, but he was still alive; barely.
The sound of distant thunder echoed through the valley, followed by the soft pitter patter of rain drops on his cheeks. Great, it's starting to rain. The man had white, spiky hair. His eyes were the color of fire; the left eye had a velvet eye patch over it. This was meant to hide his scar, a scar he had received years before. Blazer's white clothes were now drenched in his own blood. I have to....get up! he tried again, this time managing to roll onto his back. The red pendent he wore around his neck was now visible; many people believe that it holds a mystic power, the power to grant eternal life.
Soft foot steps were approaching, who is it? Blazer thought to himself. The sound of water splashing underfoot indicated that they were now closer. "My, my, Blazer," the voice was gentle. Blazer looked up to see a tall man standing over him. "Look what you got yourself into this time," he chuckled slightly before kneeling to inspect is friend's wound.
From what Blazer could see, this man had a sort of gentle smile, which made his green eyes sparkle. His light brown hair seemed darker now that it was drenched with the rain. After seeing this man's face, Blazer recognized him as his old friend, Kelzan.
They had known each other, from the very first time they became Time Guardians.
Okay. My comments are:
When saying his appearance, such as his eye and hair color, you shouldn't just go out and say it randomly within the paragraph. You should say it in a more subtle way such as: 'Eyes, the color of fire gazed over the land...'. Just give the appearance within actions to make it flow easier...
Some of the things such as his pendant seem relevant... But they're just kind of thrown out there and not mentioned again. Likewise for his wound. It just seemed out of place. How did he get it? What about the scar his eyepatch is hiding? That is less of a problem, as it may be touched on later...
The introduction of the second character was a little abrupt. Where did he come from? Was he there during the battle that he got his wound? How did he find him?
Also, what are Time Guardians? That seems important. And it also seems rather random from the mood and setting you were just building up on. I want to know more about the time where he got his wound.
There. :3 As you add more, I'll continue commenting. It's good so far, and I'm interested. Keep writing!